All protocol(s) observed By Reuben Abati

Nigerians love events and ceremonies. The engine of governance in fact runs on this special fuel, which in many ways has become an occasional excuse for waste and idleness. I have in the course of work attended and compered many of such events; one thing that I find curious is the obsession with acknowledgements. If you are the compere at any typical Nigerian event, the organizers are bound to give you what they call a protocol list, usually a long list of persons whose presence must be acknowledged. You are also expected to recognize persons, especially if they are government officials, according to an established ranking order.
This means you can’t recognize a Member of a State House of Assembly before a Member of the House of Representatives, and you can’t “acknowledge the presence (as it were) of” a Minister before a Senator. Any slight mix up is likely to fetch you a reprimand and complaints about how you are such an insensitive compere who wants to ruin an event that had been so well planned. Getting the pecking social order right is not even enough, you must be politically correct when you deploy such egoistic phrases as Your Excellency, The Distinguished, The Most Honourable, Your Honour, Your Worship, My Lord, Your Grace, Your Eminence…Only God knows what these honorifics do to the Nigerian big man or big woman’s mind. When you get it right, you can see the person actually believing the myth about he or she being so excellent, distinguished or honourable. Some would even rise and wave to the crowd.

The institutionalized flattery involved, is of course not limited to the special guests, sorry special guests of honour (!) who occupy the high table, or the top table, or better still, the reserved table. Other guests also have to be introduced. The rule is never to overlook any important person. If it is a government or corporate event, nearly everybody is important. If certain persons are mistakenly overlooked, they would insist on sending their personal assistants to the compere to remind him or her of how a grave error has been committed. Some would send their business cards, or a note or summon the compere to their table to register not a complaint but a protest!

Indeed, being a master of ceremony at a Nigerian event could be the ultimate test of humility and human patience. I once introduced a certain VIP as Chief XYZ. I was summoned and reprimanded. “He is not a Chief, but a High Chief”, he said. Correction taken, apology offered. “It is now my pleasure to introduce once more High Chief XYZ, the whatever 1 of anywhere.” The man grinned cheerfully. His retinue of assistants applauded so loudly, you would think the event was all about him. There certainly must be something special about being a High Chief; ordinary Chiefs, I guess, must be less human. But consider this: on another occasion, I mistakenly referred to another VIP as a Chief. The man sent for me, and whispered into my ears: “next time you call me a Chief, I’ll sue you, only unserious people go about saying they are Chief this and Chief that. I have never taken a chieftaincy title in my life; I am simply Mister. You understand? ” Yes, sir!

Again, apologies tendered. I went back to the microphone to introduce the Mister properly, cleverly leaving out his anti-chieftaincy commentary. But how do you deal with royalty? Now that many Nigerians act and behave like Republicans, traditional rulers and the royalty have also learnt to leave the comfort of their palaces to hustle like other Nigerians on the streets, and so, you can’t miss royal presence at most events. But there is a challenge, acknowledging them. You have to know who is His Royal Highness or which traditional ruler is better addressed as His Royal Majesty.